i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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