just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
