I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
