This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
