Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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