Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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