Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
then he tried to convert me to islam
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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