I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
