There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
