Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
