my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
