the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
