im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
