Moan for me like Helen Keller
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
