My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
