I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
