also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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