I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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