You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
