my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
