Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
did i walk over a car last night?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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