i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
