Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
