so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
