I want to walk on stilts...naked
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
