Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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