Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
