i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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