made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We were destined to go to rehab together
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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