I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
