Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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