just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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