I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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