shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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