If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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