Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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