please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
