I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
