yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize