I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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