If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
