I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
