ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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