So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
