Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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