It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
