I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
someone owes me an orgasm
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
