Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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