i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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