I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We left the knife in your bed.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
