Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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