if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
