I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize