One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Rumble strips road head = magical
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
