My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
